During those moments when I have the courage to be aware enough, when I choose to take time to pause and ground myself, I notice how my energy, my breath is hardly circulating through my body. I catch myself holding my breath and in between those moments of feeling my breath, I instantly fall back into the tension that slowly spreads all over me again.
Holding on to the pain always feels safer, it feels easier to deal with it later and distract ourselves right now. Illusions that create numbness and a false sense of security, distraction from the awareness, from the flow; from feeling alive.
I'm not quite sure when I stopped breathing fully, when my body started to shrink inwards to hold the pain that is now guarded by tight knots. When I close my eyes I see a big black messy ball of knots that keeps spreading and tries to suffocate the light. By not taking deep breaths it is easier to try to avoid the pressure of the sadness that collapses my chest and the hands of fear, anger and frustration that grip around my lungs. Ancient patterns and fears that have been inherited and those that have been born during my life. My cat used to always lie on my chest and purr, they always know when we need healing as they are guarding our spirits.
How would it feel to breathe through my whole body with an open heart after the tightness has been rooted so deep that digging down and creating space for openness feels unreachable.
One breath at a time I am choosing to let go of the tightness, letting my breath carve an opening beyond the years and lifetimes, an invitation for the flow of energy and awareness to continue to expand.