On this full moon I have been thinking a lot of my relationship with writing. I have kept asking myself what those deeper reasons are, reasons that don’t include the obvious answers like using my life experiences as a catalyst for poetry, capturing a beauty of a certain moment, inspiring others by sharing insights from my own journey. Even if no-one would be reading what I share here why would I write?
2011, one of my intentions was to step out of my comfort zone to find my voice and I shared these words on my previous blog Glowing Balance:
I had an interesting experience last week during my first yoga therapy session. After the consultation one of the questions was if I have ever noticed how my voice drops, and gets lower at the end of the sentence.
The first realisation was that something prevents or at least makes it really difficult for me to use my own voice in a larger context. I have always been really sensitive to critique, and preferred to be quiet rather than opening my mouth, and saying what I really think.
Too many times I have noticed that when I speak with people who I don´t know, my voice starts to break down as I wouldn't believe in myself or those things what I´m saying. But it´s crucial to stay true to yourself, find your own voice and start to use that because we don´t need to please everybody.
I have always equalised my worthiness with doing rather than being. For me my creativity has meant doing over allowing and the external critique, either positive or negative, has always been a direct measurement of my worthiness and how people see me.
This spring, during a healing session, it came up how my truth was actually unaccessible under several cloudy layers. And I felt a little bit defeated that I hadn’t been able to really make a difference, because when writing those words on my blog five years ago I was already aware how difficult it had always been for me to express my true voice and values and I wanted to make a change.
The truth however is that my throat often feels constricted and I have been repeating the same patterns in order to please others throughout my whole life. I have felt the need to constantly edit how I show myself to the surrounding world so that I don’t seem too selfish, too boring, too difficult or too something. Saying yes when my intuition has whispered no. Circulating parts of old stories in different order so that I wouldn’t feel ashamed of still working with same issues. That has created lots of pressure to the point that it has been easier to withdraw.
I have felt guilty of taking up too much space even with my personal writing practice, especially on those days when there hasn’t been anything new to say. But what hasn’t fully been acknowledged or felt through stays in the cellular memory and keeps showing up until the real root issue has been recognised. Sometimes we are afraid to be honest to ourselves, sometimes we need help from others to shine a light over something we haven’t even been thinking and sometimes it just takes time and repetition to be opened up to new insights.
Have I ever even given myself enough space, time or encouragement to be really curious about my voice, what makes it flow with fluidity and expansion, without any kind of agenda, without trying to change anything. And it makes me sad to realise how detrimental it has been to yield and suppress my truthful expression if it hasn’t seem to lead anywhere right away.
It’s only me who has really rejected my voice and it’s me who needs to reclaim it with kindness and courage.
I only hope that new understanding will surface if I just keep showing up for myself with honesty and courage. And it’s a process that keeps going on, shifting from the deep seated unworthiness into acceptance, into believing that I do have the right to take space as who I am at this given moment, not who I think I should be.
And when I keep asking those questions, I realise that by writing
I keep peeling back the layers that obscure my view from what is true for me,
I keep showing up for myself when I feel completely alone,
I ground myself back into my body,
I practice self-acceptance by observing what has happened without judgement and without rejection,
I access those parts of me that have never been heard or seen
and by offering myself a space where I can share what I have created I reassure myself that
I have the right to take up space and I have the right to be here.