The spring never feels too early.
But snow has once more covered the earth and the freezing wind blows through me,
days when the air is supposed to be softer and calmer,
supposed to caress my bare hands opened up to the sky.
I can’t wait to feel the warmth of the sun that spiralizes throughout the darkness,
and I look up into the sky,
imagining what lies ahead.
I hold my breath, waiting to catch the sunshine on my palms,
longing it to breathe life through my lungs and heart again.
My body has been hibernating throughout the darkness while releasing old wounds,
hoping to catch the light, feeling alive again,
ridden of elemental grief and sadness,
moving on through the journey of murky waters
that on the darkest days doesn't seem to lead anywhere.
I am going through again and again,
crying for my creativity, my dreams, my feeling of being alive,
never feeling comfortable with what seems never ending,
the heart wrenching sorrow, doubts and tears
and finally I reach a space where I can rest for a while before feeling all of that again until it is gone,
or is it ever really during this lifetime?
Can I ever let go of completely,
when the sounds, words and feelings of what has been are always reminding me.
And eventually I feel it through all of my senses,
child of the sun,
always waiting for the first spring day.
Sounds are echoing through time differently,
and when I close my eyes the warmth on my face feels different.
There is a change in the air and the wind feels softer,
dark days of the winter are slowly abandoning my bones,
giving way to new life,
and I start to call back my spirit.
I always fear that everything has slipped away from me into the nothingness
and that I can’t shed the darkness,
but when I start to listen,
there are dreams that flow within me like deep underwater currents,
I know that they exist
but they can’t be reached with my mind or seen with my eyes,
they need to be caught with my heart.
And the rare moments when rays of light, when reaching that world in a right angle,
will illuminate a subtle knowing for a moment,
and then life passes by again and the moment is gone.
And I sit still,
waiting to be blessed once more
with that knowing, that light, that feeling
of being alive.