The fear of staying stuck conflicting with the fear of taking too much time. Lack of trust. Inability to stay in the present moment as the mind keeps wandering to the worries of the future.
Currently I'm floating in the space between the circles. I have come to and end with one but haven't yet started another one.
It is so easy to try to fill the void with external distractions, with voices that are not my own, with stories that need to be unlearned. With anything that keeps me from really seeing my essence, my reality.
But if I stay invisible to myself how can I except to be seen by anyone else.
I have always had the feeling that I'm able to connect with the deep knowing only later in my life, the feeling that the wandering and exploring only make sense in the distant future, that at some point the paths will merge.
The whispers still stay the same. You are not trying hard enough, you are just procrastinating, you should be doing more, if you are not being productive you are just wasting your time; and where it always ends up: what if any of this won't ever make any sense?
The following is what my husband wrote to me last year, when once again I was in a place of believing the whispers and questioning whether anything I was doing or creating would ever make any sense.
Discovering your purpose, writing the poem of your life.
Some people are destined to wander, others follow an ordained path.
It sometime feels like we all get a handful of letters as we grow up and become adults. As we move forward and mature, we throw them onto the ground and try to cobble together from these letters some kind of meaning, piece together words, sentences, ideas.
For a lucky few, they immediately fall into place, and they know just what they are to become. The rising stars that become standouts in their chosen field at a young age.
For a broader group, it takes some time, an extra throw or two. Slowly they get the gist of it, and fill in the gaps as they go along.
At the tail end are those who shuffle and reshuffle, having great difficulty in discerning much if anything at all. They may get lucky and suddenly make sense of it, but when? Not always when youth is upon them, sometimes only towards the end. These are the people who can also have the most colourful, rich experiences. They are the ones who dabble in eclectic subjects, locales, and immerse themselves in many strains of knowledge. Many artists come from this group, as they express themselves through their unique perspective on life, each with a unique jumble.
If only more of us were so societally illiterate as to truly have more adventures in finding ourselves, the thick volumes of the tale of the world would be richer for it.
Being in the space between may externally look like nothing is happening, but internally so much is changing. The space that will open up when internal shifts happen, when everything is being rearranged.
Being in the space between is so important because without the space you are not open to anything new to emerge. Letting go and releasing the old whispers always creates space where you can hear the guidance, if you are just willing to trust.