Whose Dreams Am I Really Wearing?

On these days when the darkness is embracing us tightly after a few hours of pale daylight, I feel the need to retreat back to the place of knowing that holds my dreams, desires and inner fire. 

As far as I can remember the knowing has been hidden from me or the doors have been shut for so long that I have lost my way back. 

rouge park

Am I doing certain things because I really have the desire or because I'm unconsciously trying to adapt for the sake of safety and comfort. Changing skins like a chameleon, picking vibes from all around me, being exposed to everyone else's thoughts and ideals. Do I just try to grab a piece out of everything I see and feel and create something that fits me, but still leaves me feeling uncomfortable?

Am I wearing someone else's dreams. Am I trying to keep my real self in a safe distance, wanting to connect with her but being afraid of the silence, the emptiness that makes me scared, scared that my inner knowing, my wise self is hiding somewhere where I can't reach.

I want to reconnect with that sense of self.

The self who wants to scream from the bottom of her lungs instead of quieting her voice so that it doesn't bother others.

The self who is not afraid of her true voice, her independence and courage because that might led to paths that are not certain or safe.

The self who doesn't feel the need to hold on to the past mistakes, misunderstandings, and judgements in order to keep playing the victim whose inner fire has diminished into a flame that is barely flickering.

The self who sees the vibrancy of the living and breathing world without the layers of deep sadness that gloomily discolors everything.

The self who is free and remembers how it feels to connect with genuine joy. 

The self who creates because the ideas are pouring out endlessly.

The self who is unapologetically real, without any excuses.

The self who is connected to the energy of the earth and natural cycles and seasons of the soul. Deeply resting when the rest is needed. Collecting energy to be released into creation when the time is right again.

The self who just is. 

Because being is already enough.