Words. Days, weeks and seasons have passed since I lost my grip, my connection with them. Like rain, they continued to pour over me but somehow the ease and joy of capturing words became a chase after perfection, reflections that turned into someone else's voice. Someone else, who I didn't recognize anymore. I wasn't listening closely enough and let those moments of clarity just flow by without reaching for them. The fear of the shadows, stagnation and the feeling that everything had been already said thousand times. The emptiness. The space in between. The fear of connecting with the truth. The distraction from within. The unwillingness of releasing and letting go.
The fear that there wasn't anything to say anymore, anything that would connect the threads.
Words lost their meaning for me and continued to bounce back, hollow and empty.
It became easier to stop listening. Stop making any effort to connect with the inner knowing. Dismissing why I needed to write. I gave the permission for days and moments to keep blurring into never ending stream of nothingness. Gazing into the darkness, pouring myself another cup of coffee, listening to the same song over and over again, noticing my breath.
Pause. That was exactly what I needed.
I forgot how it felt to catch a word, a phrase that makes sense from something I didn't even know was waiting to be released. When the distractions are taken away the truth has space to emerge, the words start to make sense again. There has been the longing for something that I haven't even been thinking about and now it is time again. Time to reach for the clarity that sometimes only words can bring.
Words that keep repeating themselves: Quality. Simplicity. Truth. Awareness.
As the days keep getting darker and another year comes to an end I continue to let go by releasing the words to the paper and watching as it burns into ashes, ashes that recycle the energy back into the earth cutting loose the ties that have kept me attached to the memories and illusions of the past that have long ago lost their meaning. It is time to forgive, create space and move on.
Once more it is time to reclaim the sense of simplicity and wonder and start from the beginning.